scorned_shadow

So tomorrow is stupid day..It isn't even here yet and I'm already hurting. On the outside things with my boyfriend are good, But inside of me I'm hurting. I think I'm taking this way to seriously and it's only a matter of time before I get my heart broken again. I'm so scared that this will happen It's making me push myself away from him to protect myself. I don't want too..Really I don't but..I don't know maybe I just expect to much from him..Way to much and inside I know he can't give it to me so I wait for the hurting to start.

Maybe relationships arn't really my thing. Maybe I'm one of those people who just needs to be alone. It's safer when your alone because no one can hurt you but yourself, Hurting yourself doesn't hurt half as much. But then again who really can live there life with no one..I mean as much as I try to tell myself I don't need anyone and I'm better off alone..The more I find I need to have someone there for me to lean on when I'm down..Which is often.

I just need someone whos going to be my rock..Whos strong enough to put up with my bad days and still be able to smile and tell me they love me when my down time passes. I beat myself up way to much when I'm with people who don't understand..People who when they ask what's wrong and I can't tell them get hurt and blame it on thereself. I want so bad to jump out of my body and strangle myself. Even when people say "I understand I'm here for you no matter what" There always comes that day where my emotional break downs get to much for them and they bail..I've gotten to the point now I just sit and wait for that day to come..Which also causes serious problems in my relationships because they think I don't trust them or am taking what i've experienced from other realtionships into our relationship and using it against them.

I hate so bad what I'm doing to him, He tries so hard and I just throw it all back into his face like it means nothing. I would like to just carry out this relationship how it is instead of wishing it were more..wishing I could love him more, wishing i could trust him more blah blah blah..Why can't i just take things how they are givin to me? If he doesn't care about me as much as i care about him so what..Your still with the person you care for dearly..Be happy with it instead of picking at it like an old scab. He doesn't deserve it and you don't want it so why don't you just stop it already.