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Wed, Jan. 17th, 2007, 03:40 pm
Grrrrrrrzers!
uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh. I would seriously just sit here and rant forever but there is no point. I like I wasted up my bestfriends "It's okay I'll listen to you" time and I'm pretty sure people get sick of reading what I have to say on here. I just wish there was one person. Just one god damn person out there who....ugh...I can't take this shit anymore like seriously. Everytime something worth putting effort into comes into my life It's takin right back. Maybe it's selfish of me to truely want to be happy. I mean only good hearted nice sweet and all that junk people deserve happiness right? Right?! Mom always told me that things would get better. Well guess what mother they arn't! I can hardly stand to get up in the mornings. It's the same stupid shit everyday. I'm flunking in almost all of my classes and it's to late to try and get my grades up. My one and almost only friend who I can sort of rely on is moving so far away i'll probably forget what she looks like and my boyfriend...omg don't even get me started. I hate it all right now. Every single thing. I hate this numbed version of pain corsing through my veins right now. I need to feel a release,to unleash my deamons but I've got everything so bottled up inside of me now i know i'll crumble under it's fury.
Wed, Jan. 17th, 2007, 08:13 pm
![[info]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/userinfo.gif) meretricula
I know I couldn't possibly know how you feel, so I won't patronize you by saying I do. All I can say is that I hope things get better for you, and that if you need to talk to anyone, I'm here. It's not much, but it's what I have to offer. Feel better. Thu, Jan. 18th, 2007, 02:18 am
scorned_shadow
That really mean's a lot honey, Thank you.
it may be selfish to want to be truly happy, but it's what the people that care most about you want for you. and no one is good-hearted and nice 100% of the time. trust me, if you set goals for yourself (other than for weight) that you REALLY want to achieve it will help things to move in the right direction. high school sucks. im a freshman in college and im SO much happier than i was in high school. people are so fake. and i only keep in contact with like 2 of my friends from high school. things do get better in time, as long as you keep moving and want them to get better. everyone messes up and makes mistakes, and (especially eating disordered) people have a hard time dealing with those times. i know i do. i remember what it feels like to want to hide in bed all day, away from judgement, away from pain. and i still have found no way to get rid of all the pain. i have tried. but all i have is my eating disorder..and drinking..but what good does that do me in the long run? none. i can't give you an answer as to how to make the pain go away, but i will listen anytime you want to talk, even though i don't know you that well. i went through the same thing..just different problems..funny how they all pile up and hit you at once..ugh. hope you feel better <3<3 Thu, Jan. 18th, 2007, 02:32 am
scorned_shadow
Everything does hit you at the same time. I totally messed up my school year this year because of my stupid depression. Getting waked up in the morning feeling so shitty I didn't even want to face my own mother. I would just turn to face the wall and listen to her going on about how I was going to fail classes and probably the year because of this. Although I never truely belived her until know. I still find it really hard to get up and face people,To paste on my fake smile I have pretty much perfected now and go out into the world as if everything is fine. A lot of people don't even know I suffer from depression. They just see the fake hyper child version of me, although it really is better that way. I have goals for myself, I just don't care about them like I used to. At the moment it's just like "Yea I would like for this to happen, But I doubt it will." So that causes me to try less, I hate myself for it because I know if I put effort into it I could be and get what I want out of life.
omg i went through exactly the same thing. faking smiles because you get tired of people being like "are you okay?!?!?" and you just don't care about anything. i wanted to die. and then they put me on prozac (which turned out to be NOT for me). it gave me so much energy but i still felt like SHIT but you could try antidepressants or something, if you think you could talk to your mom about it. i didn't think i could. and i didn't have to because she noticed. but it was like things suddenly started to come together when i got to college. i was independent, away from my parents, free to do whatever i wanted, and happy. your day will come too. i never thought i'd say these words. i never thought i'd even live through high school. and here i am. if i can deal with all the shit that's been thrown my way, anyone should be able to. and you'll be a stronger person for facing the fact that you have depression and actually doing something to deal with it..like find something you truly enjoy..for me it was music and hanging with my friends, just getting out of my house, even though it was often the last thing i wanted to do. im sure there's something that can make you feel better. you just have to look for it and learn how to use it to your advantage. music is such a release for me (i became a music ed. major..haha). im sure there's something (that isn't destructive) that'll work for you as well :) <3 Thu, Jan. 18th, 2007, 02:51 am
scorned_shadow
Yea I was supposed to be on antidepressants but my mother is against them. The thought of being on medication just doesn't interest me. I already feel fake and feeling "Better" just because of a pill would make it even worse. I try to find things that make me feel better but then I start getting my "thoughts" and they just make everything seem so stupid. I hate being this way and I want to get better but..ugh I don't know.When I hear people like you's stories it makes me feel like I'm not even trying. I've been to tharapy but my mom fed "your just doing this for attention" and "just keep yourself busy and it'll go away" from my father I put myself down even more. They both made me feel like it was an act so I tried to hide it even more, Even from myself. I got through a couple months telling myself over and over It was all fake and I was just seeking attention, But after I had it hidden from everyone again and was still feeling the way I did I thought "How could this be for attention, And besides I hate getting asked if i'm okay" So now I'm back where I started from. I haven't broughten it back up to my mom because I know she will still think it's an attention act so I'm pretty much trying to work though this on my own. It isn't working. I just keep looking to tomorrow to solve all my problems, But that tomorrow never comes. I've been chasing it for 4 years now.
medication never interested me either. but for me, i don't think it was a chemical thing that was wrong. i lost 3 people throughout my life that were very close to me and it just fucked with my head. i went through depression from 8th grade until like halfway through my first semester at college and it sucked. and once it's been going on for that long people are like IT MUST BE FOR ATTENTION no. you're wrong. i know what it's like to feel like the things you enjoy are stupid. i thought using music as a release was dumb, so i cut myself. bad idea. ever since then i've been stuck on self-destructive methods of making myself feel better. they all work for a little while, but nothing is permanent. music just makes me feel good. certain songs give me chills and im like omg this is amazing :D that's what got me out of my depression. finally knowing that what i loved to do was actually what i was meant to do once i started college. and mostly being away from my parents because i was so miserable around them. we all blamed ourselves for things and took it out on eachother and never really relearned how to love eachother and communicate. your tomorrow will come, one day. it may be through antidepressants or something that makes you happy (like love). but whatever it is, you'll find it eventually. and whatever it is that's making you unhappy will then seem insignificant. unless it is a chemical thing, but that can be corrected. hope you feel better Thu, Jan. 18th, 2007, 07:50 pm
scorned_shadow
Yea I'm a self harmer. Funny I just admitted that to myself lastyear. To me it's the only thing real and there for me in my life. I control it, I tell it when to come and it just takes everything away even if it's just for a little while. My home life has it's days. I grew up around a father who drinks a lot so him and my mother were always argueing, resulting in me being put in the middle of it.I used to run upstairs into my room to hide from the noise, But as I got older I was getting sick of there stupidness and used to scream at the top of my lungs for them to shut up. One day I knew it was really bad when my brother whom is 5 years older than me and I thought so was strong came running outside (I had left the house crying because of the noise) bauling his eyes out and locked himself in the garage.
aww. yea home life gets really rough. but one day, you'll be free of it all. you most likely can't change anything for the time being. but just know that one day you will be on your own, and you can hopefully try not to make some of the same mistakes as them. a lot of things improve once you get more control over your own life. <3<3 Thu, Jan. 18th, 2007, 08:13 pm
scorned_shadow
Yea So I've been told. I just can't wait to get the hell out of here,To be able to cry if I want to and not be asked a million and one questions or get accused of a million and one things. I am trying to promise myself I won't let myself get stuck like my mother is but I don't make promises because I can never keep them and I beat myself up for it, Which is a stupid thing to do but oh well. I've heard "Things will get better, You just have to work for it and believe it can" So many times I swear It's burned into my brain. Whenever I work to start feeling better something always happens and ruins it for me. So i've gotten to the point I don't even try, I just let things be as they are,no up's no down's just plain blah 24/7. Nice life eh?
yea. that was my life too at one point in time. and i know words can be meaningless because they've been said so many times and nothing ever changes, but just try to hang in there Fri, Jan. 19th, 2007, 01:23 am
scorned_shadow
I do,I am, I try to hang in here. Sometimes I just feel like giving up all together, But something inside me just tells me to keep hanging on.
good :) <3<3 Thu, Jan. 18th, 2007, 02:35 am
scorned_shadow
sometimes talking to people I don't really know that well is easier. Especially when they have an idea of what I'm going through. It means a lot knowing I can talk to you if I need it. Thank you
you're welcome :) anytime. Fri, Jan. 19th, 2007, 05:20 am
ssgt_m_l_batt
*hugs* i know it's hard and that you think it's pointless, but just try and have hope. Fri, Jan. 19th, 2007, 09:40 pm
scorned_shadow
Thank you honey. It is really hard.*hugs back* |
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