scorned_shadow

Man shit has been messed up lately but I think it's all over for the time being. I've come to find out my marks are pretty good in school so that took a little bit of weight off of my shoulders thank the lord. I'm not going to ease up off myself about that just yet though because i still have exams and all that stupid shit to do so that could bring my marks down a lot. I was so proud of myself yesterday,I actually did all of my homework which included a project!! I swear i havent done like any homework all year so far.

Things in my head still havent eased up but im hoping if im just able to keep my mind on other things they wont be so intense..wishful thinking eh?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just thought I would get that out on here instead of actually screaming and having everyone in my house think im even more crazy than i already fucking am!

GOD I FUCKING HATE THISSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He just did the cutest thing ever..I love him -sigh-

I had a pretty damn amazing weekend. Chilling with Mitch and Erica today and went to the movies with Mitch and my boyfriend yesterday. I would love to have more weekends like this.

I have to work on saturday and sunday this week but I'm not going to complains just because of the money that will get in my pocket. I definatly think im going to start saving up a lot more since i've made a bunch of money and dont have a cent to show for it.

I think im going to get my second tattoo once i'm given the money from my tax return..that will be my last big spend on money thats for me then I will just save the rest unless I need to buy something like shampoo or deodourant..sounds good to me!

Had such a long night at work today! It was my first eight hour shift in like..Months so it seemed so much longer than it was.

Things with my relationshit haven't gotten any better and I doubt that they will. I just wish he could take the hints I'm trying to give to him, How hard can it be to tell that I'm in a good mood until the second after I find out your talking to another girl on the telephone?

Why do guys have to be so stupid? Or maybe I just expect to much of them..None of them will ever live up to how she's treated me though,I have to stop wanting them too.

How long will it be until I find that perfect someone for me? I've met people who make me feel so damn good inside but they are either already taking,Live to far away, Or both. I just want someone who understands me and who truely cares about me.

my day at work tomorrow should be pretty good, I'm working with my friend Mitch and I can talk to him about anything so he'll probably have some good advice for me or just down right make me laugh..that always helps...

So this is what my life has become eh? He's seen me cry..He'll run like the rest.

I can't take this anymore,Everything is pointless to me now,I love him so much but I won't put him through this..I have to end it...

Maybe more for my sake then his...

I will not put him through this...I feel it coming,Hold on tight it bit get bumpy

So tomorrow is stupid day..It isn't even here yet and I'm already hurting. On the outside things with my boyfriend are good, But inside of me I'm hurting. I think I'm taking this way to seriously and it's only a matter of time before I get my heart broken again. I'm so scared that this will happen It's making me push myself away from him to protect myself. I don't want too..Really I don't but..I don't know maybe I just expect to much from him..Way to much and inside I know he can't give it to me so I wait for the hurting to start.

Maybe relationships arn't really my thing. Maybe I'm one of those people who just needs to be alone. It's safer when your alone because no one can hurt you but yourself, Hurting yourself doesn't hurt half as much. But then again who really can live there life with no one..I mean as much as I try to tell myself I don't need anyone and I'm better off alone..The more I find I need to have someone there for me to lean on when I'm down..Which is often.

I just need someone whos going to be my rock..Whos strong enough to put up with my bad days and still be able to smile and tell me they love me when my down time passes. I beat myself up way to much when I'm with people who don't understand..People who when they ask what's wrong and I can't tell them get hurt and blame it on thereself. I want so bad to jump out of my body and strangle myself. Even when people say "I understand I'm here for you no matter what" There always comes that day where my emotional break downs get to much for them and they bail..I've gotten to the point now I just sit and wait for that day to come..Which also causes serious problems in my relationships because they think I don't trust them or am taking what i've experienced from other realtionships into our relationship and using it against them.

I hate so bad what I'm doing to him, He tries so hard and I just throw it all back into his face like it means nothing. I would like to just carry out this relationship how it is instead of wishing it were more..wishing I could love him more, wishing i could trust him more blah blah blah..Why can't i just take things how they are givin to me? If he doesn't care about me as much as i care about him so what..Your still with the person you care for dearly..Be happy with it instead of picking at it like an old scab. He doesn't deserve it and you don't want it so why don't you just stop it already.

Your all excited to hang out with this other girl, You hang out with her all day yesterday then call me when you get home all excited, You do things with her we were supposed to do together. What am I supposed to think. I'm not a jealous person but when you and her used to have something going on between you I get a twinge. I've mentioned breaking up to you more than once and both times you seem to hate the idea, Yet all you can speak of is her and the other one a happy thoughtful shine in your eyes. Sometimes I wonder why your with me, Sometimes I wonder why I'm with you. We're not a couple, We're part time, When you feel like it. If she's what you really want, Just tell me please. No more head games I'm finished. Do you even think of me? Do thoughts of us cross your mind as you sit happily with her, Later coming to me and maing up excuesses for her presense with you at lunch,And your absence in mine. People come to me, Say they saw you with her, Ask me why your not with me. I can't answer them, I don't understand you, Your a stranger to me. We live in diffrent worlds, Why did we think we could bring them together. I swore to myself I would try to hang on to this because of how much I cared about you, Your heart doesn't lie with mine and I'm not willing to hold you back.

uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh. I would seriously just sit here and rant forever but there is no point. I like I wasted up my bestfriends "It's okay I'll listen to you" time and I'm pretty sure people get sick of reading what I have to say on here. I just wish there was one person. Just one god damn person out there who....ugh...I can't take this shit anymore like seriously. Everytime something worth putting effort into comes into my life It's takin right back.

Maybe it's selfish of me to truely want to be happy. I mean only good hearted nice sweet and all that junk people deserve happiness right? Right?! Mom always told me that things would get better. Well guess what mother they arn't! I can hardly stand to get up in the mornings. It's the same stupid shit everyday. I'm flunking in almost all of my classes and it's to late to try and get my grades up. My one and almost only friend who I can sort of rely on is moving so far away i'll probably forget what she looks like and my boyfriend...omg don't even get me started.

I hate it all right now. Every single thing. I hate this numbed version of pain corsing through my veins right now. I need to feel a release,to unleash my deamons but I've got everything so bottled up inside of me now i know i'll crumble under it's fury.

I just got home from the mall with my mother and...I put a hold on a kitten!
She is such a cutie. Shes a light orange colour and white. I never thought I would like the look of an orange cat but she just has the cutest face ever. I had to sniff her fur to check and make sure I was allergic and nothing happned while we were still at the mall, But when I got home I got a little stuffed up. I seriously hope I'm not allergic to her. Maybe after I get her home and she gets my house smell in her fur it will be better.I really don't want to have to give her away because of stupid allergys. I don't get to pick her up until Thursday though!! I cannot wait. I'm going to have to find something to do tomorrow to make the day go by super fast. I won't even say anything about thursday because I know the school day will go by super slow just to spite me especially German class! Stupid school, Stupid German!

I miss him :( Seeing him everyday then randomly during the week not is so hard. Oh well I have to get used to it. There will be plenty of other days where I won't get to see him.

Completely failed on my fast. I guess it's just not for me. Oh well. I will find other ways.

Just had a ciggarette and lied about it to him. And I'm even stupid enough to want another one. I want to quit I seriously do I just..Don't have the strenght for it at the moment. I know he will be with me through it but I can't stand how much it makes me eat and how cranky I am towards him. Hurting him kills me.We've been together for almost three weeks and have only gotten into one arguement. I don't want to fuck this relationship up. I'm going to put all my energy into it. I can't lose someone I care for this much again..It's happned far to many times.

yay it's snowing! God I hope it snows all night so school is cancled tomorrow!

It's been a week since I said I was going to quit smoking...I haven't gone a day without atleast a puff of one yet. I think I'm going to stop being so hard on myself about it though. I'm going to take things one at a time. First I'm going to try to lose the weight I want then I'll work on the smoking; Plus I'm afraid It will cause me to binge eat because so far when I don't have a ciggarette for a while it makes me want to eat that much more. After this week (if i actaully make it through my fast) I'll attempt to quit again.Go me!

Or not.Stressful night >_

My mom just kicked my dad out.Shes had enough of his drinking..I thought it would be easier for me to handle than it is. Shes talked about it for a long time and I even agreed with what she was saying and thought it would be for the best...But it still hurts like hell..

Nothings going to be the same. We're going to have to move out of this house..not that I care or anything but this is where I grew up.I was always known as the girl whos parents were still together. My mother was so strong dealing with his fucking drinking but I guess everyone has a breaking point. I know everything is going to change..Life is so diffrent..

I've fucked up again. oh god that did not take long. It must be time to break this off before it gets any worse. I'm so sick of hurting. I just want it all to stop, But it'll never stop. This is how my life is going to be so I must learn to deal with it. Who wants to have to learn to deal with being hurt all the time.No body does. Even I don't But here i am having to. isn't there more to life than this. Arnt we supposed to have those incredibly happy moments we will never forget? Where are mine? Lost within the fog somewhere. Oh won't someone guide them to me??

Yea,so im alone again yay. I hate how quickly I start to miss him. I shouldn't let myself become open like this. He still could hurt me. I must rebuild my walls! What is wrong with me. Never have I let someone get this close to me this soon. It's very unsafe of me. "Don't dare let your guard down! You know what happend last time!" but he is so nice. I'm seriously starting to think I can trust him. We have so much in common and i'm finding it so hard to keep anything from him."You hurt people thats all you capable of.Everytime someone takes the time to get close to you,you push them away. It happens everytime and you know it! save this poor guys heart and just let him go before he gets serious about you!" But i dont want to. I love being with him. He makes me feel semi complete.He makes life seem not so bleak. Why must i make myself get rid of everything comforting! I'm my best friend...my own guardian keeping everything hurtful away but on the other side im my worst enemy hiding myself from everything with good intentions. Will life continue to carry on this way? "you want it this way" Will i ever allow myself to lead a happy life "happiness is overrated you dont need it..this is who you are"

I'm spinning out of control and no stop is in sight..Oh where is the hand that will grasp my head and cease this spinning forever. Please god cease the spinning "there is no god for you.I am the hand turning you like a top.round and round until all your left with is stomach ache and a sense of unknowning.Stop trying to fight it.this is all you are"...But yet these voices never stop.So my spinning proceeds.

I am promising myself to make this work even if my thoughts are true. I'm not going to doubt on the idea that he doesn't really love me and really wants to be back with her. He told me he cares about me and want's to be with me but I still find myself questioning him. I feel so god damn bad. Why can't I just let things be instead of picking at them until there is nothing good left of them? I haven't been this happy with anyone in a while and truely want this to work out but the way I'm going now I'm going to fuck it up. I miss him already. If only I didn't have to work today I would be able to spend the whole day with him. Even though I get off at 6 it would be pointless for him to come over because he would just have to leave at 10. I guess he still hasn't hooked his internet back up because he isn't online..So that means I won't even get to talk to him before going to work humpf. School is still going pretty bad. I guess I waited to long to start pulling my socks up. I've already failed one class and I'm pretty sure another fail is just around the corner considering exams are soon ahhh!

My bestfriend is most likely moving in with her boyfriend. He lives soo far away I will probably like never see her. The only thing that really bothers me is that she doesn't seem to care that as soon as she moves out there I'm basicly gone out of her life..After 6 years of being bestfriends I mean come on. I totally understand she is having serious troubles at home but I just wish she would act even just a little upset she has to move so far away. Her father is the one who came up with the solid idea though. I'm pretty sure as soon as chelsea realized she really needed to get out of that place she thought "Oh i could just move to Brads" So I can just imangine her face when her dad said he would pay Brad's parents to keep her. I'm also worried that she's going to leave without even saying goodbye to me, She is that type of person. She'll just pop up on msn and I'll start talking to her and she'll just be like "Oh yea i live at Brad's now" Gosh that's gonna hurt. I've been left by her for him so many times so what's one more?

Yay I have to start getting ready for work in 10 mins! I'm really curious as to how this week at school will go. Last week was messed up because over the break me and my boyfriend were so close then as soon as school opened up he acted like we didn't even go out, except on Friday. He actually spent the lunch hour with me so that was cool. I seriously hope he starts to want to hang out with me there too because it's hard going to the same school as my boyfriend but not seeing him all day. And he it's hard to chill afterschool because of homework and such,weekends don't work either because of my job *sigh* I hate missing people so much! Thing's are starting to look up. Though they always do there random drop down again so I will just have to wait and see how it goes.

Yay im at school and im bored as hell so i am going to write some stuff. Okay well since i havent really ranted about my current boyfriend on here for a while i think it is in order. Okay so he treats me like im his property and flips on my over almost everything.I swear. I was at his house last weekend and i was pretty happy and hyper and i was laughing at just about everything and he flips on me!! All he thought was i was laughing at him and i clearly explained to him i wasnt but he would not listen to me.And i have a pretty sore bruise on my hip because he always squeezes either my hip or my shoulder to get me to shut up..i hate it so much i wanna break up with im because i like someone else but i dont know what is going on with this other person so im still trying to keep it on the dl.I wonder what we're going to be doing tonight.nothing really interesting to do around here but oh well i might just stay home and play final fantasy x woot woot!ooohh and i just might get some chips and pig out like the fat fool i am..oh well we shalt get into that today or atleast while im at school. woo i have a good conversation going on right now its making me happy but im still really stressed out about all this mark shit. I might be transfuring schools which is alright. Unless what i want to happen is going to happen then it would really suck if i went to a diffrent school.hmmm so stressful.I need to calm down and have a serious good time like laughing and carrying on and stuff.I must find something fun to do!!

Yay im in school doesnt everyone just love school? I will hopefully be getting my internet back after christmas so im looking forward to that. I am probably one of the most unactive people on here but oh well i'll try and stop sooner rather than later. I have so much stuff i could go on about but i dont really have the time right now so hopefully i can get back on to talk about that as well. I find writing everything in here helps me get over it a lot faster and since i havent done it i've been thinking about the same thing for like a month and it's driving me mad!!! Omg i got the best cell phone holder ever the other day.it has hello kitty on it! i absolutly love hello kitty for some odd reason oh that and the care bears but who doesnt love carebears i mean come on? ^_^ I also have to become re-active in the communitys im in but thats going to be really hard ((stupid brother all protective of his computer)) oh well i will work something out!

God has it ever been forever since i've written in this. Things are kinda skrewy right now and i really havent the time to type it all out so hopefully i will get my internet back soon so i will be able to rant off about things in here. Just had a pretty interesting evening with one of my new friends. He's so awsome. Can't wait until friday and saturday! shopping followed by movie night. It should be bomb i just hope my parents let me go.